Hello, you’ve caught us being thoughtful on a Thursday.
Here on thoughtful Thursday we ponder the important questions. We debate the undiscussable. We consider the insignificantly inconsiderable in all their glory. This wonderful series begins with one of our writer’s favourite games, Demon’s Souls. Buckle up as we list the inane and the insane, every Thursday, for as long as our minds are able.
Number Five – The Red Dragon
So you like your bosses on the ground, in range of your weapons eh? Well buckle up buckaroo because Demon’s Souls doesn’t. How about a flying dragon who never lands, requiring you to fire arrows endlessly into the air until hours later it’s body fizzles out into a (relatively) pitiful pile of souls. I have no idea how the bridge you have to cross where it breathes fire, withstands this onslaught.
B-but it’s a great introduction to the occasionally insane tasks the Souls series will have you taking on. Sure, it’s horrifically boring at the time. Sure, you’ll need to purchase hundreds of arrows you never use. Sure, you might purchase slightly too few and have to do the whole thing over again while the Red Dragon laughs away with its sliver of health, mocking you as it circles back for another run as you sob into an empty quiver. Not speaking from experience of course.
In all honesty, it’s true, it’s a good introduction to the determination required from a player to conquer all of the challenges in Demon’s Souls, and discovering this without reading a guide must’ve been glorious. Plus it’s not even technically a boss (it’s a mini-boss) – enjoy!
Number Four – Maneater
Ah, I remember first fighting the Demon’s Souls Maneater boss, chuckling to myself at the ease I was chunking its health down. What is this – I cried. A pathetic little gargoyle? Demon’s Souls you have grown soft, while I have grown strong. I shall render your bosses asunder and leave you completed on the ground, my PlayStation platinum proudly in hand. Alas, my revel was short lived, and no sooner had I finished my gleeful daydream, than the next Maneater arrived. I hadn’t managed to kill it’s early bird brethren, and so they double teamed my soon-to-be corpse and flung me from the boss arena with a green hued blast.
It’s not fair.
That’s what I thought, and what I suspect many did. How are you supposed to fight two bosses at once? It certainly isn’t easy. But the elation you feel upon finally slaying the two stone abominations is unmatched. You can do anything! Go ask that crush out! Go run that marathon! Go eat that outdated chocolate éclair! The porcelain throne awaits.
Another lesson then, another barrier only dismantled by determination. This is the Demon’s Souls way. For their surprise the first time you play, and ranking as one of the harder bosses, Maneater(s?) certainly deserves its spot at number four.
Number Three – Tower Knight
Most likely the second boss you encounter, this imposing tower of a fella seems terrifying at first meeting. You run forward, get smashed by a shield that’s bigger than a studio let in Grimsby, and riddled by snarly crossbowmen who likely make snarky comments to each other like “aim for his balls” or “souls are back on the menu boys”.
It’s a another one of those lessons, surprise! You likely learn to make the boss easier by killing the crossbows first, silencing their doubtless witty banter. You learn how to wait for an opening before attacking the boss. Which for this big fella, is quite generous.
Magic users learn nothing but they don’t need to, they’ll cheat all game long anyway.
Number Two – Maiden Astrea
I still feel bad killing her. Why oh why can I not roll persuasion (with advantage for my devilish charm), and make her help me. You wade through mountains of orphaned children she has saved, those that no one else would take. You have delved deep into the rot ridden caverns, expecting a horrific ally malformed beast of some kind. Maybe something named “malformed mass” or “shitstain steve”. Alas, you find only a Knight, defending his Lady.
Beat him, which sometimes isn’t easy, and you expect another phase. Perhaps she will transform into some kind of bestial cleric? But once again you are wrong. You simply slay her (or just talk to her), and discover the true final phase is sadness.
Top Dog – Old Monk
When Demon’s Souls came out, invading another world was pretty novel. You could ruin another persons playthrough, use the enemies against them to humorous effect. I spent many hours messing with people and giggling like a schoolgirl/choirboy.
The epitome of this gets my top spot, the Old Monk.
Regularly, this boss is a bit of an underwhelming experience, but its unique mechanic is another player can “invade” as the boss, something not done in a Souls game since (until the Dark Souls 3 DLC). That’s just evil. You fight your way through the whole, labyrinthine level, only to find LagStabxX47 stands before you, buffed and given free magic. Hundreds of hours of PvP knowledge are wrapped up in that orange turban tornado, all building up to this one moment. You pull out the ethernet cable, and 11 year old LagStab screams into the void.
This is the epitome of the chaotic experience that Demon’s Souls was, and hence, boss number one.
Honourable Mention – Crestfallen Warrior
Fuck this sad boy. But also pity him. Legendary grumpy guts.
He is the final boss. Depression.